When I got pregnant with Ezekiel, we were a bit surprised. Of course, we do know how babies are made (thanks for asking though, random stranger in the mall) so it wasn’t completely out of the blue, but nevertheless, there was a certain level of shock that accompanied that particular positive pregnancy test.
As a way to lighten my mood about Zeke’s seemingly impossible conception, I joked that he was going to be my miracle kid. You know, the one who would sleep through the night at 2 weeks, learn algebra at 2 years, and make enough to let us retire in style by the time he was 22.
No, no, and most likely another big fat NO.
I don’t have a prodigy on my hands, people. What I have is a honey badger.
Do not be fooled by his jaunty hairpiece. Like Zeke, this animal is a living, breathing, havoc-wreaking menace who has no sense of self-preservation. He just doesn’t give a rip.
According to an (intriguing) website called Badass of the Week, honey badgers have been known to:
* use their claws to dig into the earth with amazing speed and agility.
* search high (up trees) and low (underground) for food, eating any animal in sight,
* rip open hives, bees and all, to get at the honey (hence, the name)
* eat snakes – poisonous ones! – with absolutely no fear of being bitten. One account I read on several websites said that a honey badger has been bitten in the face by a puff adder (world’s most poisonous snake), fallen asleep, and then woken a couple hours later to finish its adder yum yums. Yikes on bikes.
* have no natural predators and most disturbingly, aren’t afraid of anything. For example, if they’re attacked by a lion, they have been known to dart between the lion’s legs and rip off his scrotum, leaving him to die of blood loss. And possibly whatever the feline equivalent to masculine mortification might be
So yes. I’ve spawned a honey badger, and he does indeed live in my home. Ezekiel has been known to:
* rip open packages of anything and everything. At the grocery store I often have to explain to the checker that no, that item was not damaged in transit. My kid did that damage. Yes, all that damage.
* destroy anything and everything. Just this week’s antics include: ripping the entire plastic piece off the Styrofoam of a bike helmet, ripping apart a minimum of 10 food packages (beginning to hate the freezer-on-bottom aspect of our refrigerator), and rip out the first page of our wedding album. Oh yes, he did.
* search high (in cupboards) and low (in the freezer) for food, eating any sugary substance in sight,
rip open hives, bees and all, to get at the honey (hence, the name) Only for lack of opportunity.
* have no natural predators and most disturbingly, isn’t afraid of anyone or anything. His bigger siblings cower at the thought of his destructive tendencies, and I… well sometimes I just glance at his rampant destruction and think, “Ah, well. It could be worse.”
Rather than hoping for a miracle, I’ve come to three conclusions:
1) He is extremely fortunate that he is so dang cute.
2) I’m really glad that in spite of his incredible strength, Zeke has yet to exhibit the ability to ability to rip off anyone’s body parts.
3) The only way I’m going to make money off of this kid is to hire him out as a child-proofing tester. If he can’t get it open or rip it apart, no one can.
Honey badger, anyone?